A psychotherapist thinks out loud about Being Human, and stuff…

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Self Intimidation On A Rainy Day

“Well, so that is that. Now we must dismantle the tree, putting the decorations back into their cardboard boxes- some have got broken- and carrying them up to the attic. The holly and the mistletoe must be taken down and burnt, and the children got ready for school. There are enough left-overs to do, warmed-up, for the rest of the week- not that we have much appetite, having drunk such a lot, stayed up so late, attempted-quite unsuccessfully- to love all of our relatives, and in general grossly overestimated our powers.” 

W. H. Auden. “For The Time Being”.

It’s the first week of the New Year, and here in the San Francisco Bay Area we’re experiencing a welcome bout of gentle, soaking rain, falling from an endlessly grey sky.

My mood is just as grey. The holidays have come and gone like a great, honking clown parade, full of tubas and flung confetti, and now… what? What to do with ourselves in this Waiting Time- as we wait for the return of the light and warmth? Traditionally, it’s a time for digging in- for stories and warming drinks, for tending the fire and mending that which needs repair. These are mostly metaphors now. Our binge-watched stories come from Netflix and Google, our fire is purchased from our local gas and electric company, and our mending? What have we to repair?

Although we usually use it in the sense of “fixing” something broken, our word, “Repair” comes from the Late latin: repatriare- “To return; to go home again”, and that seems a perfect usage for this time of year: to return to ourselves.

Whole libraries have been written about this season being appropriate for self-reflection and meditation. There is something about the long, dark night that causes such thoughts, whether we will or not. Sometimes this is experienced as what’s called “Seasonal Affective Disorder”- moodiness, lethargy, mild depression- and pathologised, with various treatments suggested, but I think for many of us this is also about a disinclination to do what the Dark Time seems to demand: to go within, take stock, read the signs and see who you are at this point in time- to go home again.

Our culture, by and large, opposes self-reflection. Billions of dollars and person-hours have been spent to provide us with the largest array of distractions ever known to humanity, lest we fall into unhealthy brooding- and I have to make a distinction, here, between true depression, which is a serious condition, and simply feeling unhappy because we don’t know what to do with ourselves. What to do, while we’re waiting for the Light?

What I want to suggest is that you use this time to repair within yourself. What have you been putting off because you don’t have time, or because it seemed impractical or your friends wouldn’t understand- or, because it frightens you? Now, in these dark months, there’s time to turn to those thoughts and feelings, befriend them, learn their names, bring them into the light, perhaps imbue them life.

That’s what I’m doing, right now. For most of this year, encouraged by friends and readers, I’ve hovered on the edge of resuming this blog. I’ve struggled with the thoughts that I’m not smart enough, informed enough, literate enough (or that I’m merely clever), to write a blog post again. Ironically, I’m intimidated by my own earlier blogs, posted a few years ago. Jeez, that guy could write. He really had a way with words, and he had something to say. I wish I was… Oh, that’s right: I am that guy.

So, I’ve decided to Hell with it. I’m going to repair to my neglected writing persona, and perhaps repair my confidence. I’ve committed (since, clearly, waiting for inspirational lightning hasn’t worked), to sitting down every Friday afternoon and writing something. I’m not without ideas- in fact, I have a notebook full of them. I will do my best not to write about our cat, who is adequate as a cat, but, in truth, not all that interesting. As the column’s title suggests, I will try to write from the viewpoint of a mental health professional, but as a glance at my previous entries will attest, that can take me pretty far afield. You may have some curiosity about what a Psychotherapist does, and how we do it. I like demystifying that stuff; it actually helps me get clearer about what I do and writing about it was one of my original motivations for blogging.

In any case, here’s my first offering, in a year or two, and there’ll be more. I’ll appreciate any feedback or questions. Let’s get through his dark time together, and see what the spring brings. I’m hoping, at least, for a better season for the San Francisco Giants- but let’s leave that for another time.

Until we meet again, happy trails to you, and thanks for reading.